Help him
More of my klance Red Riding Hood au!!
obfonteri asked:
Hello for your consideration: the Paladins meet the Guardians.
kcgane-deactivated20190222 answered:
okay, okay. i’ve been laughing about this for hours since you sent me this here is an amalgamation of some thoughts in Script Format:
Allura: Paladins! We have an intruder on board!
Hunk: oh man not again. Do you think it’s because of Ulaz? One of his friends, maybe? Someone good? Someone - someone not so good? Oh no, oh no. What if they’re REALLY not so good and then-
Keith: -HUNK. Knock it off. Get ready. We gotta move to stop these guys.
Pidge: Well that’s weird.
Shiro: What is it Pidge?
Pidge: The ship is detecting various different life forms but one of them is human. Part human, at least.
Lance: So there’s a guy out there that could be from earth?
Hunk: Like Galra Keith?
Keith: *shoots a pointed look*
Allura: They’ve moving forwards, hurry!
Shiro: Allura’s right. We’ll figure this out once we know what’s going on.
-
Shiro: Can we….um, help you with something?
Allura: who are you? And how did you get onboard my ship?
Quill: we’re the guardians of the galaxy.
Paladins: …?
Quill: the guardians of the galaxy *holds out hands grandly* - the guardians - am I - hey, Gamora am I saying it right?
Gamora: Yes.
Quill: The guardians of the galaxy.
Lance: No we heard you it’s just, we’re sort of the…. defenders of the universe.
Rocket: *laughing* Wait. You mean to tell me THESE GUYS are apparently the defenders of the universe?
Keith: Says the talking Racoon.
Groot: I am groot.
Rocket: Oh and what’s your name smartass? Keith.
Keith: Uh… yeah?
Rocket: Oh it is - it is actually Keith. That was just a random guess of an arbitrary name that just came into my head.
Hunk: Okay is anybody else hearing this? Because that’s definitely a fake laugh. I’m just calling it right now.
Rocket: IT’S REAL.
-
Drax: *goes up to Allura* your ears… they’re HIDEOUS.
- a few of the paladins find this funny because of the parallel to their meeting with allura
- she is positively affronted
-
Lance: Well hello there beautiful lady, your sharpshooter is here for-
Gamora: *twists his arm* -So much as breathe in my direction again and I’ll happily keep going.
Pidge: *snickering*
-
Groot: I am groot.
Pidge: Uh-huh. And?
Groot: I am… Groot?
Pidge: Haha, me too.
Lance: Hold the phone, you can UNDERSTAND him?
Pidge: Well sure. I just ran some of his phrases through this computer matrix and started piecing together the language Groot uses based on the data I had collected. It’s actually really fascinating because even though he says I am Groot there are infinite results, for example-
-
Keith: *to gamora at some point* Nice blade.
Gamora: It’s no different to the weapon you carry.
Rocket: No different- are you kidding me? Now hold on just a minute do you know what that is? It’s LUXITE. That stuff is the rarest metal in our galaxy! And some kid is just throwing it around.
Keith: I’m not ‘some kid’.
Groot: I am Groot.
Rocket: We should steal it, you’re right.
-
Hunk: this baby tree is adorable. I want to hug him. Can I please hug the baby adorable tree?
-
Rocket: What does this thing do?
Coran: Well let me show you: My name is Coran and I’m a gorgeous man.
Cube: My name is Coran and I’m a gorgeous man.
Rocket: *grinning* My name is Coran and I’m a-
Gamora: -Rocket, no.
-
Quil: Do you have a cool nickname, too?
Keith: ?
Quill: It’s just kinda the criteria for you know, being a cool space hybrid person with a complicated, sad family backstory.
Keith: I’m a paladin. That’s all I need to be.
Quill: Well that’s fine I guess but. Mine’s starlord, just so you know.
-
Shiro: Keith… are you okay? What’s going on over here?
Keith: That tiny tree was doing some weird dance. *staring at baby groot who is frozen*
Shiro: …No it’s not.
Keith: Was. Trust me, Shiro. It was.
Shiro: Okay. *pats Keith’s shoulder and walks away*
Keith: *turns away*
Groot: *starts dancing again*
Keith: *looks back and Groot freezes, leans forwards* I’m onto you.
-
Rocket: You guys are like the happy meal. With your cutesy lions and bayards. Whereas we - we’re the big mac.
Allura: What’s a happy meal?
Shiro: That doesn’t matter, because we’re not a happy meal. We’re the supreme special.
Lance: Yeah!
-
Pidge: Woah, you built this? Incredible.
Rocket: Don’t touch that.
Pidge: But it’s so beautiful.
Rocket: It’ll also blow all our brains out and I don’t know about you but I’m perfectly fine with my head still being attached to my body.
Hunk: Wait that’s a bomb?!
Quill: NO BOMBS.
-
Drax: What a curious contraption. But why not just assemble this Valederian from the ground up? Why make tiny lions that join together in such a way?
Quill: They literally just explained that and it’s called Voltron.
Drax: That’s what I just said.
Lance: No you said Valederona.
Keith: Actually he said Valederian-
Lance: -oh yeah?
Keith: Yeah.
Hunk: Hate to be the voice of reason here but no. Drax. You definitely did not say Voltron. Keith is right.
Lance: Keith is right?!
Drax: My apologies, it’s a very strange word. Let me ask again about how this Volterrican device works.
Fuck, Marry, Kill
Allura: I have read about a human game. Would you like to play Lance?
Lance: sure what’s the game?
Allura: I believe it is called Fuck, marry or kill?
Lance: *chuckles* well I guess I would fuck Keith
Keith: *chokes on drink*
Lance: Marry Hunk
Hunk: I’ll pretend it’s not just because I feed you.
Lance: and I’d kill myself.
Allura: I don’t believe that’s how the game works…
Lance: did I fucking stutter?
voltron: allura is a teen!
me: okay. i’ll accept that.
voltron: and if allura is a teen, then that means a k@llura plotline can-
me, holding out my sword: she’s a lesbian you fools
Pidge telling Allura some important information she holds very dear to her heart
Trust me, just watch
ruinedchildhood