aries: i say more dumb things before 9 am than most people say all day

taurus: hi, i’m chandler, i make jokes when i’m uncomfortable

gemini: i’m not great at the advice, can i interest you in a sarcastic comment?

cancer: i’m full, and yet i know if i stop eating this. i’ll regret it

leo: tell him to email me at www-dot-ha-ha-not-so-much-dot-com

virgo: until i was 25 i thought that the only response to i love you was “oh crap”

libra: it’s a sunday. i don’t move on sundays.

scorpio: alright rock paper scissors for who has to tell the whore to leave

sagittarius: couldn’t we just lose our virginities again? because i think, actually, mine’s growing back

capricorn: that makes me feel so warm in my hollow tin chest

aquarius: what must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self loathing

pisces: I’M HOPELESS AND AWKWARD AND DESPERATE FOR LOVE