A bike can’t stand alone because it’s two-tired.
If a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen the
mall.
Jumping off a Paris bridge makes you in seine.
Your calendar days are numbered.
A dyslexic poet writes inverse.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was
cut off? He’s all right now.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible
to put down.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it
hit me.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
Archaeologist: a person whose career lies in ruins.
She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
When she told me I was average, she was just being
mean.
A neutron
goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The
bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
Two
antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much,
but the reception was excellent.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull
before.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my
electron,” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies
“Yes, I’m positive.”
An
invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at
either.
I went to
buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
It’s hard to explain puns
to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I used to think the brain
was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A farmer in the field with
his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
What does a nosey pepper
do? Get jalapeño business.
What is Bruce Lee’s
favorite drink? Wataaaaah!
You kill vegetarian
vampires with a steak to the heart.
If you want to catch a
squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.
A blind man walks into a
bar. And a table. And a chair.
How does NASA organize
their company parties? They planet.
Why can’t
you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
What kind
of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What did
Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.
Why was six
afraid of seven? Because seven was a well-known six offender.
What time
is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
My friend
recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
What do you call dangerous
precipitation? A rain of terror.
What’s the
best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Two fish
are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
What do you call a big
pile of kittens? A meowntain.
Atheism is
a non-prophet organization.
Just went to an emotional
wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I wrote a song about a
tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What do you call a
dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
How did the
hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
PMS should
just be called ovary-acting.
Pampered cows produce
spoiled milk.
Learn sign language, it’s
very handy.
I started a
band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.
You want to
hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.
Dry erase
boards are remarkable.
What is the
difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Dwarfs and midgets have
very little in common.
How do you make Holy
water? Boil the hell out of it.
merde-ouais-wakfu
chocmarss
dbak-01
lesbianhatsune
