Red and Blue make Purple

[bookphile]

Funny Morning Commute Story:

A portly petite lady gets on the train. There’s an empty seat, but the dude next to it has man-spread so there’s little space to actually sit. The lady is undaunted, she says loudly “I think I will have a sit” as a warning and then squeezes herself in. The man does not attempt to reign in his man-spread.

The guy gets off on a next stop, and I’m not really paying attention to them anymore, except I hear the word “man-spread” so I instantly perk-up and look over. And then she says loudly:

“I’m sorry, but if you have such a great need to air out your balls, you need to be checked out for venereal diseases.” 

At some point during that sentence we make eye-contact and I must have a look on my face like I’m five and excited that I just heard a parent swear. Because she laughs, while I grin, because she knows I know what she’s talking about.

And that just made my morning like 10x better.

[galacticspacelizard]

Funny Story

My sister was at a gig the other night with her friend and she was at the front near the stage, squished between loads of people. So she got overwhelmed and fainted but because there were so many people she just sort of stayed standing up.

It wasn’t until he person behind her noticed something wrong and moved and she just sort of fell to the floor. She then got crowd surfed to the front with her friend but through all of this she was unconscious so she doesn’t remember any of it.

[panmotto]

The Stories that kids have are priceless.

So I was teaching today as usual and we somehow got to telling stories about our experiences shopping (getting lost, walking in crowds, etc) and then one of the students starts telling this awesome story;

He was about 4 or 5 years old and he was helping his mom pick up one of those huge watermelons you see in stores. Now because he wasn’t that strong or picked it up wrong, he dropped it on the ground and it splattered everywhere.

So what did they do? Picked up another watermelon and ran like hell.

When I heard this, I looked at him like this; and said “You. Are. A. Criminal! You left the scene of the crime! How could you do something like that?!” (Keep in mind, I was saying this as a joke)

The kid looked at me with this deadpan stare and said “No, my mom was the one who told me to run”

 Things like this are what make me happy to be a teacher :D

[thosefunnyones]

[xxmissmagentaxx]

So my Mom actually told me a fucking funny story today and it’s completely true. Happened at her school.

So this class of third graders went on a field trip to the zoo (she told me the name of it but I forgot so I’ll ask her later and edit this) and one of the kids, Johnny, went missing. All the teachers flipped their shit and went searching for him before they agreed that, since he knew where the school bus was, he probably went there.

Sure enough, there he was. Relieved and tired from the experience, the teachers herded the rest of the class into the bus and went back to the school. After sending the kids home, one of the teachers called Johnny’s mother and explained what had happened. The next day, they received a call back from the mother, and this is the very first thing that was said:

“Hello? Yeah, I have a couple of questions…first of all, why was my son completely soaked in water and two, why was there an adult penguin in his backpack?”

[notahorrorblog]

My boyfriend got me this elephant necklace because I told him I dislike elephants on jewelry (he’s extremely ironic) and he calls me his ‘elephant’ whenever I wear it (to remind me how hilarious he is)
So today we were in a dessert parlour and I come back with napkins and he goes “there’s my little elephant” and I hEAR A GASP FROM THE TABLE BESIDE US AND THESE TWO YOUNG LADIES ARE LOOKING AT ME AS IF THEY HE INSULTED MY ANCESTORS AND WERE WAITING FOR ME TO SMACK HIM IN THE FACE. And now he’s too afraid to call me his little elephant in public.

[sinnage]

Once my math teacher was had a bad addiction to candy crush so he switched one person’s seat so 4 blonde haired girs sat in a row

[cultured-pearl]

I was in Dunkin’ Donuts this morning about to pay for my coffee. I open my purse and seashells fall out (this isn’t the first time this has happened).

The cashier looks at me and says “We don’t accept sand dollars here.”

And that folks is the best joke I’ll hear all day.

[elianadelrey-blog]

Ok so yesterday my dad was laying down on the couch in the same spot while he watched a movie then at the end he got up and went to go do something and as soon as my dad left the room, my 11 year old sister ran to where he was sitting and laid down specifically putting her head where his butt was and she said with such a serious face “one man’s butt warmth is another man’s treasure" and I laughed for like ten minutes

[girllookitthatbody-ahh]

😂

So today this seven year-old girl comes out of the school washroom looking very pleased with herself. She skips up to me and, pointing to her braids, says, “Look! I fixed my hair so that this piece is *here* and this piece is *here*!” She heads back to class when all of a sudden she stops, gets wide-eyed, and says, “I FORGOT TO POOP” and runs back into the washroom.