Red and Blue make Purple

Anonymous asked:

I need matt headcanons

vodka-aunt-coran answered:

i’m assuming you mean besides the usual biology nonsense this blog churns out? you got it!

on earth, he was smart and social. the downside is he could only be one of those things at once.

matt: [rambling about lamarck]
classmate: what…what does that have to do with shakespeare
matt: why would i give a single fuck about shakespeare
classmate: because i asked you for help on the hamlet essay
when he’s hanging out with people, he will act without thinking and also say ridiculous things

friend: hey matt, what’s 6 times 14?
matt: what? i don’t know, do i look like an astrophysicist to you?
friend: …i mean,
friend: oh shit, i dropped my hairdryer in the sink
matt: oh no worries i’ll get it
shiro: mATTHEW UNPLUG IT FIRST

he was the sweetest mother hen to all the little underclassmen on the team and was co-captain with the ‘mean parent’
but when they were actually playing a game, the other captain was the one to interact w the other team bc matt is Aggressive And Mean against competition
matt’s pep talk: you guys did your best, and it was really good! i’m proud of each and every one of you! if only the complete scumbags on the Hornets would stop fucking cheating and the goddamn ump would open his motherfucking eyes, we would make a comeback
co-captain: anyway, our actual strategy is,

he once tried to fight someone who was constantly being a dick to shiro (he’s like a prodigy, i’m sure some people were bitter), but the guy just laughed at him

because he’s a petty motherfucker, he then spread a rumor that the guy cheated his way into the garrison that went far enough that there was an actual investigation and it turns out he really did. matt claims that it was intentional. shiro pretends he believes it.
matt: i could’ve fought him, though
shiro: remember that one time you punched me and i thought you had thrown a pretzel at me
matt: fuck off shirogane, that’s last time i defend your honor

in space, he ends up like. making new families everywhere he goes, especially after he loses shiro. and it fascinates most species he comes into contact with.

prisoner: i think i’m getting sick
matt: can i help? do you need anything? do you want my food?
prisoner: …???
all the other prisoners: [moving as far away from the sick guy as possible] ????
resistance guy he’s known for one day: i think you’ll have to go on without me
other resistance guys: we’ll always remember your sacr– matt, what are you doing
matt: [trying to lift the guy up] i’m?? bringing him back??
guy: that…you’re going to get both of us killed…you barely know me…???

alien 1: my name is chyliorn. it means “bravery” in my language, was given to me when i reached adulthood, and i carry it with pride.
alien 2: my name is romithast. it means “shamefulness” in my language, was given to me after i abandoned my people, and it is my greatest burden.
matt: my name is matthew. it probably means “tree” or something, i dunno. i’ve had it since i was born, and it’s alright i guess. pretty common.

chyliorn: how common is it?
matt: there were like three matthews in my school growing up. we all hung out.
romithast: ?? if you were all from the same place, how did you differentiate between each other.
matt: i mean, we usually went by our last names? but there were two matt joneses, so they used their middle names haha.
chyliorn: you have…three names
matt: yeah
romithast: …that’s ridiculously unnecessary. i don’t like humans.
matt: yeah yeah, can it shameful.
resistance captain: ah, so your name is matt? short. concise. i like it.
matt: i mean, my full name is matthew holt–
resistance captain: no, that’s too much. matt will work.