Red and Blue make Purple

[the-actual-grim-reaper]

SO I WENT TO A HAUNTED HOUSE TODAY AND THERE WERE DEAD BODIES (PLAYED BY REAL PEOPLE) ON THE FLOOR AND ONE WAS HOLDING A SWORD AND IM LIKE" YO IF YOUR DEAD CAN I HAVE YOUR SWORD CUZ ITS HELLA RAD" AND THE GIRL LAUGHED I TRIPPED A DEMON. EVERYTIME I WAS SCREAMED AT, I SCREAMED BACK “WATCH EXOS NEW MV” AT ONE POINT A DEMON YELLED SHUT UP AT ME. I HIT ONE IN THE FACE AND HE STARTED LAUGHING. MY SQUAD WAS SCREAMING AND I WAS INTERACTING I WAS LIKE CHEN IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE eP OF EXO SHOWTIME

[fixatedillusion]

My mum is so savage lmao

My cat was jumping in a bin bag so I was trying to get a picture and when my mum asked why I was so determined I said that I wanted to be relatable and post it saying “when your cat is you” and then my mum WITHOUT HESITATION replies “let’s put him in a closet then”

I AM STILL SHOOK

[what-a-waster]

When i was 11 my dad was making rum cake and he thought you simply bake a cake and then pour lots of rum on it and he gave some to me saying that restaurants let kids have rum cake so it cant be that much alcohol. Long story short i spent a good three hours shouting “up” at our broomstick getting extremely frustrated.

[realzyxzjs]

My sister told me about how she adores her social studies teacher because he is one sassy old man.
Then she continued to tell me about how they were given a list of stuff they should know about in class and Hungary was on there. A girl in her class thought it was pronounced like hungry. So the girl said, “wow, I can’t believe there’s a place named after me.”
The teacher so smoothly replied with, “wow, I didn’t know there was a place named annoying.”

[gwindr]

ok so today our teacher has this policy where if your phone rings you either put it away or he can answer it
so he told us about this one time where a girl let him answer the phone and when the person on the phone asked for her he simply replied
“sorry she’s in the shower do you want to leave her a message”

the person on the phone was her dad

saying “it was my teacher” sure didnt help

[element-squad]

Hey, guys, did you ever hear about the happy tale of Romeo and Mario? 

 WELL, NEITHER DID I UNTIL MS. C BROUGHT IT UP. 

 The whole sad tale began with something innocent enough: a lesson on triangles. 

 “So you all know Romeo and Juliet, right?” Ms. C said. “They fell in love and died, boohoohoo. Okay, let’s say that this is Juliet up here, on the tower.” 

 She scribbled a quick stick figure on a cliff thing. In no way was that a tower, I thought, but I wasn’t gonna tell her that. Ms. C was prone, as a surprising number of teachers are, to telling us that she was a terrible artist. 

 “This is Juliet. Here, on the ground, ten feet away, is Romeo. Right here, eight feet away, is Mario. Juliet can’t jump because that’s a stupid idea and she will die, but let’s say for now that she can. How far does she have to jump to get to Romeo? Be careful - if your answer is too short, Mario will get Juliet, and then Romeo will cry.” 

 The whole diagram made a right triangle, and pretty soon, everybody was snickering and Pythagorean-Theorem-ing the whole mess. Simple, easy, happy, run-of-the-mill assignment.

But then somebody questioned, “Wait, hold up, what if Romeo runs away with Mario?” 

 “Well then,” Ms. C said, “Juliet can just go jump for real, right?” 

 A pause. 

 And then the entire class erupted in laughter. 

 “ROMEO AND MARIO IS MY NEW OTP!!!” I howled, only not OTP because I didn’t know what those were yet. 

 “ROMEO AND MARIO FOREVER!!” someone else yelled. 

 Ms. C walked to the board and added a couple new details to the diagram: Romeo and Mario running off, hand in hand, with Juliet in tears. 

 “They’re going to live a very happy life together,” she said happily. 

 And that was the tale of how Romeo and Mario ran off into the sunset, leaving both Juliet and an eighth grade geometry class in tears.

[adorkable-stark]

Whenever you’re sad just remember that one of my best friends swears up and down that he once saw a monkey spontaneously combust and he has way too many details for it to not be true

[freakreturn]

[minusthemasochist]

• So in one of my classes, my prof has this policy that whenever a student is late in order not to be marked absent he/she must either perform a talent or tell a joke.
• One morning as the late comers were doing what they could to be exempted there was one more student who came in extra late.
• So after the 'last' person told his joke which was "I'll be doing a joke (waits ample amount of time)...the elections" (drops mic).
• She went up to the podium and grabbed the mic.
• "I guess I'll perform a talent...
• I know! I'm good at back flips!"
• That would've been interesting enough but I forgot to mention- She was 8 months pregnant.
• As she was about to do a backflip the entire lecture class yelled
• "NOOOOOO!!"
• And there was this one girl in the back who yelled
• "THE BABY!"
• My professor had this fuck-if-she-dies-i-no-longer-have-tenure look on his face.
• She stood straight up. Took the mic.
• "That was a joke."
• Needless to say she was never asked to perform a talent or tell a joke again.

[lovelyphilosphy]

STORY TIME!

when i was in second grade we were getting on the bus to go on a field trip when a boy from my class gets down in front of me on one knee hOLDING A RINGPOP and asks “will you marry me?” and i, being the bitchy little 8 year old that i was, said no and took the ringpop anyways