Red and Blue make Purple

[eagles34]

Funniest story

Ok so a couple years ago for Christmas I made my dad a cd and I put his favorite songs on there and then as a joke I put I can’t dance from high school musical followed by girls just wanna have fun as a joke never expecting him to listen to them and one night I went out to eat with my friends but there was a long wait so we went next door to dollar general and I get a phone call from my dad and apparently he had butt dialed me because he is singing GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUUNNN at the top of his lungs and I started laughing so hard I accidentally hit the speaker button and so then everyone in the store just hears THATS ALL THEY REALLY WAAAANT IS SOME FUUUUN GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUUNNN and that is the story of my dad’s singing debut at dollar general aka the funniest thing that ever happened to me

[pinkflamingllama]

Once on holiday I fainted and hit my head on the floor real hard so I had to be taken to hospital and when they carried me into the ambulance on a stretcher I made a peace sign to the little crowd that had formed and said “so long, bitches” and I don’t think any of them spoke English except for this one bus driver who just exploded with laughter and I bet I’m a funny story they tell at family meals now

[sugawarakun]

Just read it–

My teacher said she has a gay friend and when she gets in the car with him and she gives him directions, she can’t say go straight or he’ll stop the car and glare at her. So she is forced to say “Okay. Go gayly forward.” then he’ll continue driving. 

[ginger-is-the-new-black]

Story Time!!!

So, my brother occasionally stole my books when I was 14 (which he then proceeded to never read). At that time, I was taking anti-depressants (and still am, as was and is my younger brother). As revenge, I once announced to the whole household that the tablet on the right was mine and that my brother was to take the tablet on the left. I then proceeded to quickly run to the loo, and when I returned, the tablet on the right was gone. Would you believe it, my brother had taken it and hadn’t heeded my instruction (just as planned, the little shit). Being 14, I made a big deal out of it by telling him that he took my women’s multi-vitamin, and it would turn him into a woman at a rapid pace. I told him that his boobs would get bigger and all sorts of other additional shit that I thought up on the spot. That also included me showing him a Ponstan packet (for cramps) and telling him that he should listen to me next time I yell out a clear instruction. He freaked the f*ck out!!! He cried to mum and dad telling them that he could feel his boobs expanding and meanwhile I was cacking myself laughing in the kitchen (along with my parents). He eventually found out… after about half an hour of balling his eyes out and groping his boobs. After that, he never stole my books again :)

[thatfabulousfatgirl]

So yesterday I was mowing my grandma’s yard, and whenever I mow the backyard there’s this old creep that comes out and sits on his back porch to watch me. After I finished the backyard, I went inside for a water break and to wipe off my face because I’d been dripping sweat for the last 20 minutes. Well, the night before I’d bleached my roots and redyed my hair bright ass red, and when I went to the bathroom I had red sweat dripping down my face, chest, and the back of my neck.

Long story short, I probably scared the shit out of the old creep and many people who drove by my grandma’s house.

[thegayacefromspace]

So my friend in algebra was getting a checkup today and she was nervous because she doesnt like getting blood taken out of her body with a needle and I thought to myself “Can’t you just tell the doctors to wait for your period?” It took me five seconds to realize I said that out loud and everyone at my table started laughing their asses off

[starksnowgaryen]

so yesterday my boss (who is a big burly man with a lot of facial hair) was singing along to the radio and “wrecking ball” came on and he burst out “I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALLLLLL” and kicked a garbage can across the room

i’m still laughing

[storynookofabun]

When I was a kid…

I hated pickles. They were disgusting and ruined any burger experience for me.
Well, one day I asked for a happy meal with no pickles.
I expressed this so strongly, that when I received my cheeseburger with pickles, my eight year old mind knew instantly: sabotage.
So I walked up to the counter politely and asked for a new one and the cashier told me “too bad you brat”.
Well, she wanted a brat and I would not disappoint.
In an ode to my favorite movie scene I threw the cheeseburger behind the counter screeching “I SAID NO PICKLES! ”

[fvckmegs]

One time in drama class we were playing this game where you have to keep asking each other questions but it has to be on the same topic, and I was up with this mean girl who everyone really doesn’t like bc she’s a bitch and she’s really dumb, and she was like ‘have you ever failed a test?’ And my sassy side came out and I was like 'have you ever passed one?’ (I said it in a sassy voice too) my teacher laughed so hard

[fahtimaa]