thosefunnyones
ruinedchildhood
2 minutes after “Into the SpiderVerse”
xxmissmagentaxx
So my Mom actually told me a fucking funny story today and it’s completely true. Happened at her school.
So this class of third graders went on a field trip to the zoo (she told me the name of it but I forgot so I’ll ask her later and edit this) and one of the kids, Johnny, went missing. All the teachers flipped their shit and went searching for him before they agreed that, since he knew where the school bus was, he probably went there.
Sure enough, there he was. Relieved and tired from the experience, the teachers herded the rest of the class into the bus and went back to the school. After sending the kids home, one of the teachers called Johnny’s mother and explained what had happened. The next day, they received a call back from the mother, and this is the very first thing that was said:
“Hello? Yeah, I have a couple of questions…first of all, why was my son completely soaked in water and two, why was there an adult penguin in his backpack?”
notahorrorblog
My boyfriend got me this elephant necklace because I told him I dislike elephants on jewelry (he’s extremely ironic) and he calls me his ‘elephant’ whenever I wear it (to remind me how hilarious he is)
So today we were in a dessert parlour and I come back with napkins and he goes “there’s my little elephant” and I hEAR A GASP FROM THE TABLE BESIDE US AND THESE TWO YOUNG LADIES ARE LOOKING AT ME AS IF THEY HE INSULTED MY ANCESTORS AND WERE WAITING FOR ME TO SMACK HIM IN THE FACE.
And now he’s too afraid to call me his little elephant in public.
sinnage
Once my math teacher was had a bad addiction to candy crush so he switched one person’s seat so 4 blonde haired girs sat in a row
cultured-pearl
I was in Dunkin’ Donuts this morning about to pay for my coffee. I open my purse and seashells fall out (this isn’t the first time this has happened).
The cashier looks at me and says “We don’t accept sand dollars here.”
And that folks is the best joke I’ll hear all day.
elianadelrey-blog
Ok so yesterday my dad was laying down on the couch in the same spot while he watched a movie then at the end he got up and went to go do something and as soon as my dad left the room, my 11 year old sister ran to where he was sitting and laid down specifically putting her head where his butt was and she said with such a serious face “one man’s butt warmth is another man’s treasure" and I laughed for like ten minutes
girllookitthatbody-ahh
😂
So today this seven year-old girl comes out of the school washroom looking very pleased with herself. She skips up to me and, pointing to her braids, says, “Look! I fixed my hair so that this piece is *here* and this piece is *here*!” She heads back to class when all of a sudden she stops, gets wide-eyed, and says, “I FORGOT TO POOP” and runs back into the washroom.
loongbottom
Yesterday I was at the grocery store when I heard a man playing the trumpet outside. So I quickly skipped up to home to give him some change. Once I got within earshot he started singing “Here comes a young princess, to give me something sweet, skipping up to a strange black man, oh she’s such a beautiful princess, no boyfriends for youuu for 7 years, I don’t even want them looking at youu, tell your daddy that he’s a giant among men and the best thing since sliced bread”. Then he gave me a high five, wished me a beautiful day and said he loved me.
Day=made
Faith in humanity= restored
mizuhinata
Tumblr People are Amazing
Okay so today at school I was sitting in the hallway between classes and this girl comes walking down the hall all confident and pretty. She was wearing this dress with all kinds of spangled colors and designs on it. So obviously, every person in the hall—including me—was looking at her.
All except for this little bookworm with her nose deep in a Harry Potter book. I could tell that this girl had a Tumblr, too. She had a TARDIS necklace and a hat that had Death the Kid’s Sanzu lines on it. So immediately I felt a connection to said bookworm.
So pretty girl is walking down the hall and suddenly she takes notice of the bookworm because she’s the one person that isn’t looking at her. She walks straight up to the bookworm and says “Hey!”
The bookworm looks up and says “What?”
Pretty girl is silent for a moment, then says “Don’t you like my dress?”
Bookworm says “Yeah, sure.” You can tell that she really wants to get back to her book.
Pretty girl says “Then why didn’t you look at it?”
At this point I was beginning to think that Pretty girl was a huge b, but then the bookworm says “Why do you want everyone to look at you?”
And Pretty girl says “So I can feel good, duh.”
Bookworm says “So the only way for you to feel good is for you to put yourself at the center of attention?”
Pretty girl goes silent for a second, then says “Yeah. Are there any other ways?”
At this point I’m thinking oh my gosh, this poor girl. She must feel terrible about herself every single day.
But then the bookworm looks her straight in the eye for the first time and says “I’d feel better living in the background of Harry Potter than being the center of attention here.” And then she gathers her stuff and walks away; Pretty girl is left standing there watching her walk away. And in that moment I knew that Pretty girl was going to go home and read the Harry Potter books.
storynookofabun
When I was a kid…
The way I perceived skin color was through the idea that we were all cookies. God had a large oven in the sky and would bake us all and then put us on Earth. I explained to my dad, some were under baked, baked just right and others a little burnt.
So he asked if I thought that we were the best because we were baked “just right”.
But I told him no. Everybody likes different kinds of cookies and that all cookies are delicious and it didn’t matter because eventually we’d all get dunked in milk (Heaven) and consumed by our creator.
Yeah…